*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
went fishing caught a bass
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.