[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop