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@WordDamage: *Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
@hippieswordfish: *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
@junejuly12: Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
@SteveKoehler22: For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-
Order a "quickie"
then act surprised when she
tells you it's pronounced "quiche"
@MondayPajamas: My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as "exhibit A"
@PieChord: Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.