*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
adding to the discourse
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.