*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
When I pack too much for a short trip.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register