*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*