Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
lmfao come on
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”