Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.