If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Nothing.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.