Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I love wikipedia
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
As the Lord intended
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face