Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me in tagged photos
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes