My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse