her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You Might Also Like
What
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know