Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.