Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?