@drinksmcgee: Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@LivibelsDada: Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] puppeteer looks over at my wife: I'm so sorry, it was in his will [i sit up in the casket]
@adult_keverage: Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.