@drinksmcgee: Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?" - Mary Magdalene.
@protolalia: Me: One day I took my friend- Him: Wait, you have a friend? Me: Yes Him: Wow, ok, go on Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
@juliussharpe: Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.
@PhuckinCody: me: ted is coming over tonight wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird