@drinksmcgee: Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.
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@DurtMcHurtt: Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait... Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
@NotJPo: Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.
@valenty__: Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."