I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
bury ourselves
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.