Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
TODAY
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed