Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins