Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.