True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
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windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
SF is the wild wild west man
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”