True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter