True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.