True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
R.I.P.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.