[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Holy crap this is wonderful
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Rambo Rambow
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there