I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
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the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.