Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I triple waxed for this?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I put the h in mysterious.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The Wolf of Wall Street.