@Thing_Finder: TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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@LaziestCanine: Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU Me: wow your hands are so soft Murderer: omg really Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use
@70Ceeks: Chefs who can't admit failure present: Soft-boiled eggs Steak tartare Twice-baked potatoes Sour cream Calzones Pineapple upside down cake
@TechnicallyRon: My new erotic novel "Love in the time of autocorrect" will be out soon. Here is a sample
@brianbowman73: Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses. Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous... Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Vocabulary?