TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Spring cleaning checklist…
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The government even made aliens boring
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.