True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
No regrets in 2018
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.