TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Is….Is this an option?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.