True
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?