@maggiemaymaybe: #truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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@NakedHangover: Yelling "shotgun" when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
@highinamerica: Spell check changed "important" to "impotent" so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can't get it up.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they're so cute. Me: These ugly Sketchers I'm wearing have insides made out of memory foam.
@MikeBigby: Actually Jesus wasn't the carpenter, Joseph was. You're thinking of the Carpenter's Monster