I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
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20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
is it earth
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into