Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Saturday
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.