Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.