Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Shortcut
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Favourite diary entry ever
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”