Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Is fructose made with real fruct?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
an airline just for babies.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”