God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
You Might Also Like
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit