Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
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no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
😂😂
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.