God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
oh shit
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.