TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
You Might Also Like
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone