Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
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Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
*cough*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
i actually laughed 😩
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”