TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like