I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.