TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.