“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m tired tomorrow.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Am I having a stroke?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.