Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.