What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
iPhone X
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two