I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
You Might Also Like
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.