@OhNoSheTwitnt: Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
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@ScorpionDong: Hangs a sign on front door that says "Robbery in progress - Please do not disturb" to deter burglars
@_NTFG_: We woke up to a noise. I grabbed a bat. He grabs a can of body spray. "Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?"
@PinkCamoTO: *looks at calendar* *looks at stomach* *looks at calendar* Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this summer.
@DamienFahey: Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor's garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.