Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
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My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
oh my gosh!!
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.